Art

I walked into a dark room. alone. blind.
I wanted to leave it there. past. behind.
I can't see clearly. drunk. blur.
I don't know how to feel. dizzy. her.
Will I come out of this? connected. apart.
Will I be different? beautiful. ART. --Angel Star

Biggest Mistake

Look me in the eye, biggest mistake I never made. Don't you ever deny. We had something that wouldn't ever fade. It was something sent from the sky. Biggest mistake I never made. On common sense, I relied. And, with the knowledge, obeyed. Stare and say goodbye, biggest mistake I never made. It was fire and fire when all you need fire and ice. The biggest mistake I never made. -- Angel Star

I never knew.

"You walked in like you were Jesus and my life was water. I was quiet. You know I didn't speak a word. You got me with your cigarettes and your band tees. You came to me as a safety. I didn't know any better. I didn't know. I wish I knew better. I never knew. Sometimes what makes us happy, honey, are the things we don't want. Sometimes what makes me happy is the never absence of your thought. Other times I miss the smell of smoke on your chest as we hug goodbye. I didn't know any better. I didn't know. I wish I knew better. I never knew."-Angel Star

disconnection

The voices of this house carry hatred and they echo in my soul.
The walls of my heart do not understand the vibrations.
 Slanderous words they dare speak.
It's a shame that I feel I can't even say.
I don't feel at home.


 Like my voice, I feel stuck. I'm on the outside when I'm in the inside. I'm growing tired and no one knows. "Oh, you're strong. You're the strongest person I know." I'm so tired of hearing that especially when I'm weak. Every time you tell me I'm strong, I'm a little more ashamed of how I really feel. I've become a master of pretending, suppressing my emotions that are not the acceptable. The emotions that make me vulnerable. The only thing I really want out of life is to feel grounded and connected to earth. And, I'm not talking about material things. I have never felt like I belong. Being different is a theme throughout. Differently physically, mentally, and biologically. Even in these walls. I'm always being reminded that I'm really not apart of anything. I'm just a niece without any direct DNA ties. The only familial bond I felt is gone and I'm only searching for that connection again in a world full of disconnections. Whenever I find what I'm looking for, I lose it. I'm confused and I'm lost here in this house. The walls block me from being happy. But what am I going to do? When my time comes to leave, where am I going to go? Which way do I take? Who will be there? Who will I meet? Who is going to connect with me? Is anyone? Or will I always be floating in the sky? After all, it feels like home to me and the stars feel like family. Up there, I don't feel so alone in this world.