disconnection

The voices of this house carry hatred and they echo in my soul.
The walls of my heart do not understand the vibrations.
 Slanderous words they dare speak.
It's a shame that I feel I can't even say.
I don't feel at home.


 Like my voice, I feel stuck. I'm on the outside when I'm in the inside. I'm growing tired and no one knows. "Oh, you're strong. You're the strongest person I know." I'm so tired of hearing that especially when I'm weak. Every time you tell me I'm strong, I'm a little more ashamed of how I really feel. I've become a master of pretending, suppressing my emotions that are not the acceptable. The emotions that make me vulnerable. The only thing I really want out of life is to feel grounded and connected to earth. And, I'm not talking about material things. I have never felt like I belong. Being different is a theme throughout. Differently physically, mentally, and biologically. Even in these walls. I'm always being reminded that I'm really not apart of anything. I'm just a niece without any direct DNA ties. The only familial bond I felt is gone and I'm only searching for that connection again in a world full of disconnections. Whenever I find what I'm looking for, I lose it. I'm confused and I'm lost here in this house. The walls block me from being happy. But what am I going to do? When my time comes to leave, where am I going to go? Which way do I take? Who will be there? Who will I meet? Who is going to connect with me? Is anyone? Or will I always be floating in the sky? After all, it feels like home to me and the stars feel like family. Up there, I don't feel so alone in this world.